Interview with Blart We are very lucky in having as staff reporter for this website intrepid, determined, hard-bitten (mainly by mosquitoes) journalist Cags McWalter - her motto “Anywhere (except cold, rainy places)! Any story (except long, boring ones)! Any time (except meal times)!” Today she heads to Illyria in search of fantasy anti-hero Blart - the boy who was charged with saving the world and said he’d rather stay with his pigs. The boy who lost everything he owned in a card game called Muggins. And the boy who has never met a human being he didn’t dislike. What follows is a verbatim transcript of the encounter. (“Verbatim transcript” means “what they said” if you’re showing off. And we are!) However we must warn you that this interview contains some rudeness and bad behaviour. If you are of a nervous disposition or find rudeness upsetting then we strongly suggest you click HERE instead Aha! So you claim to the type who is not upset by rudeness and bad behaviour. Hmm. We’re still not convinced. Here’s a quick, final test. Ready? 1... 2... 3... You smell of mouldy old cheese! Now check your reactions: Have you fainted or started crying? Click NO if you have. Click YES  if you haven’t. Click WHAT?  if that confused you. Click I KNOW if you do in fact smell of mouldy old cheese.  Click nothing if you have realised that we haven’t given you any possibilities for clicking OK. We admit it. You can handle rudeness and bad behaviour. Your mum and dad must be very proud. So you have our permission to read the interview. Here it is : (If you would like a fanfare first click here : FANFARE ) And now without further ado... The Blart Interview (with a bit of Beowulf the Warrior). Hard-bitten, intrepid reporter Cags McWalter:  Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Babies and Embryos. I am here today in the throne room of the King and Queen’s Palace in Illyria to interview Blart the Pig Boy. The boy who has been charged with the difficult task of saving the world. I’m here to find the Real Blart. The Blart behind the mask of rudeness, surliness and truculence. What’s he really like? Let’s find out because I see him coming in now. (Blart comes in. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. In fact he is dragged in by Beowulf the Warrior.) Blart: I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to do the stupid thing. I’ve got pigs to feed. Beowulf: (dragging Blart further into the room and dropping him on the floor) You have given a solemn promise to a damsel Blart. And according to a the Chivalric Code only death can prevent you making good on your word. Now   stand up and say hello to this damsel in distress. Blart: (standing up reluctantly) Hello. Cags McWalter: Hello. But I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a journalist. Beowulf: A what? Cags McWalter: Journalist. It’s my job. Beowulf:  Job? But you’re a damsel. Damsel’s don’t have jobs. Damsels sit in castles waiting to be rescued by brave warriors like me. Cags McWalter: Not in the future. Damsels got fed up waiting in castles to be rescued. They went to school, got    qualifications and started working. Beowulf: You mean there’s no damsels to rescue anymore in the future? Cags McWalter: We sort of rescued ourselves. Beowulf: Rescued yourselves? Don’t be silly. Damsels can’t do anything by themselves except play the lute and sigh. Cags McWalter: (sighs) Beowulf: You see. You can still sigh. All you need to do now is play me a sad ballad on the lute and we can forget all about this working and journalist nonsense. Cags McWalter: I’m afraid I can’t play the lute. Beowulf: The harp? Cags McWalter: No. Beowulf: The spoons? Cags McWalter: I can’t play anything. Blart: If she’s not a real damsel do I need to talk to her. Beowulf: Yes. Blart:  Why? Beowulf:  Because she probably is a real damsel. Cags McWalter: I’m not. Beowulf:  It’s just that she’s probably had a spell put on her by a evil warlock that’s made her forget she’s a damsel. Either that or she needs lute lessons. I’m going to find out while you stay and talk to her. And if you don’t I’ll kill you. (Beowulf leaves) Cags McWalter: Hello Blart! Blart:  What do you want? Cags McWalter: You remember. An interview. Blart: What’s one of them? Cags McWalter: I want to ask you some questions. Blart: Why? Cags McWalter: People in the real world have read about your adventures and they want to know more about you. Blart:  Do you like pigs? Cags McWalter: I’m glad you brought up pigs. Why do you like them so much? Blart:  I like the mud. I like the swill and most of all I like the fact that they aren’t people. Cags McWalter: (surprised) You don’t like people? Blart: No. People are very annoying. They are always making you go on quests. Cags McWalter: You’re referring the great Sorcerer, Capablanca? Blart:  You can call him great if you want - I think he’s a pain. Going on   and on about how I had to save the world. Cags McWalter: You don’t want to save the world. Blart: No. It’s never saved me. Cags McWalter: Don’t you think that every other boy in the world would jump at   the chance to save the world? To be a hero. Blart: I don’t care. Have we finished yet? This is boring. Cags McWalter: But the readers want to know the real you, Blart. They want to know what it’s like to be under your skin. Blart: Well there’s blood and stuff. Cags McWalter: What? Blart: Underneath my skin. There’s blood and stuff. Organs and intestines. Capablanca me about them. Why do your readers want to see my intestines? Cags McWalter: I was speaking metaphorically. Blart: What’s that? Cags McWalter: It’s when you don’t say exactly what you mean. For example, when I say what’s under your skin I don’t really mean what’s under your skin. Blart: Why did you say it then? Cags McWalter: I was trying to find out what makes you tick. Blart: I don’t tick. Cags McWalter: No I… Blart: Who says I’m ticking? I want to know. Cags McWalter: No what… Blart: Be quiet a minute. Cags McWalter: But… Blart: Quiet! (SILENCE) Blart: Do you hear any ticking? (SILENCE) Cags McWalter: No, but I never expected to… Blart: Right. So go and tell whoever told you that I don’t tick. (Re-enter Beowulf the Warrior carrying a book) Blart: She says I’m ticking. Beowulf: If a damsel says you’re ticking then you are. Cags McWalter: But I’ve told you. I’m not a damsel. Beowulf: Tush and pish. I’ve found a book in the cavernous library of Ping. It’s called “Lute Playing Made Easy”. Cags McWalter: But… Beowulf: You listen to me young damsel. Cags McWalter: I’m not a young damsel. I’m hard-bitten and intrepid. Beowulf:  Pish and tush. You get yourself a lute and go and sit in a castle for a few years. Then I’ll come and rescue you. Cags McWalter: But I don’t… Beowulf:  Capablanca says that Blart and I have got to go now. Apparently the world needs saving. Blart: Again? Beowulf:  Yes. And one more thing. When I come and rescue you could you try and be in distress. Cags McWalter: This interview has been a complete disaster. I’m already in distress. Beowulf:  I knew you’d get the hang of it. Come on Blart. Blart: Remember I don’t tick. And stay away from my intestines. (Blart and Beo leave) Cags McWalter: (sighs) The End. Please note. We are a site that values our readers’ opinions (well at least we pretend to) so if you enjoyed this interview please write to info@dominicbarker.com and tell us just how wonderful this website is. However,  if you didn’t enjoy it and you have read it twice to check that it’s not your own fault and a third time to check that you didn’t lose your sense of humour on the way to school today then please let us know at MadeUpAddress@WillBounceBack.com and the moment we receive your complaint we will attempt to deal with it.  Or not. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR BLART OR ANY OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS? EMAIL THEM TO US HERE email me at:  info@dominicbarker.com home Blart home